I finally got around to seeing Lord Of The Rings last night. As a plot, as a story, as an affecting piece of cinema, it didn't work. I couldn't have cared less when Sean Bean died or the hobbits were captured. The characters are stereotypes, fairytale goodies and baddies.

Saruman, played by Christopher Lee, seems to think he is the star of a new ITV reality series, "When Wizards Go Bad!" His lair looked like the set for Duran Duran's "Wild Boys". Galadriel's forest pad was a theme hotel, with Enya wafting through the lobby. Each time Hugo Weaving appeared on screen, I found it impossible to stop thinking of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert. Gandalf was a pretty useless wizard, only really any good at making fancy fireworks.

The effects are often restrained and quite subtle. I loved the way they made Elijah Wood and the other Hobbits look really tiny. But I see Elijah's not exactly strapping anyway.

It really is just one long (and I do mean "long") road movie. You've probably seen the secret diary of Aragorn (or is it Boromir?) and the recently-discovered pages from Anne Frank's diary ("Monday: hid. Tuesday: hid, Wednesday: hid"). Frodo's diary would surely read "Monday: walked, Tuesday: walked, Wednesday: walked..." I was tempted to answer the question "How will we get to Mordor?" with "Take the southbound Northern Line."

Hobbits really lost out when they were handing out talents in Middle Earth. Elves are tall, graceful, beautiful, wise, magical, even immortal. Men are strong and clever. Dwarves are brave and rich. But hobbits are small, clumsy, always hungry and not very bright or strong. If you were going on a quest, you really wouldn't want a fidgety little thing always fiddling with stuff and getting you into trouble.

But as a spectacle, by god, it works. The scenery, the sets, the effects, and the fantastic camera work are amazing. It's thrilling, exhilarating eye-candy. But I can't say I'll be rushing out to see the sequels. Another six hours of this? Three was more than enough.