BC1 The immaculate conception 12.00 Bargain Cunt. David Dick in son rubs a battered mahogany-stained Chippendale. 3.45 CBBC: Fumbles. Matthew Kelly presents. 7.30 ESTenders. Natalie and Ricky flee a brain-washing cult. 8.00 Holy City. The hospital staff go on a pilgrimage to Mecca for a charity performance of Peter Pan. Abu Hamza guest stars.

BB2 Brian won 4.30 Ready Steady Coo Ainsley Harriott patronises an audience of elderly incontinents. They hold up placards of vegetables. What is he like, ladies and gentlemen? 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Cat. A woman wants to swap her Suzuki Vitara for something that will get her noticed. How about a hairless Abyssinian? 10.00 Ha'pennies. Paul Whitehouse and Johnny Vegas in cheap sitcom.

IV1 The third place 1.00 Toady with Des and Mel 4.50 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! You think I'm making this one up, don't you? 7.30 Wish You Were Here...? Matthew Kelly in a children's activity camp. You think I'm making this one up, too, huh? "Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Badly Torn Boy" ©Ian. 10.55 Girls Behaving Baldy. Pop Stars winners reveal how they were chosen by pop svengali Louis Walsh.

Chanel 4 Not even as good as five these days 6.55 AR:SE 3.15 Pert Rescue. Cute young Swedish veterinarian bends over a lot. 8.00 Proper t'Ladder. Fred Dibnah shows off his granddad's toolshed. 9.00 Wife Slap. Gary has to put up with a new woman, who doesn't know her place. She'll learn. 10.00 V Grah Oh, if he can't be bothered, why the fuck should I? 10.30 Just how do you follow Graham? Why, with an equally half-arsed pile of shit: Frasier (R). Easier (R). Friends (R). Fiends (R). Fends (R). Ends (R)