On the tube the other day, I overheard a conversation between two blokes - an Englishman and an Australian. "So," said the Brit, "do you follow football? Have you adopted a team over here?"

"Nah," replied the Ozzie, "what's the point? I mean, English football is subservient to European football; and European football is subservient to international football."

Subservient how, I wondered:

"Oi! Beckham!"
"Yes sir, Mister Figo, sir?"
"Come and lick my boots."
"Ooh, yes sir! Would you like me to do your bum next?"