Unable to sleep last night, I watched "When Good Pets Go Bad II", a truly dire American shockumentary with a doom-laden gravel-voiced commentary:

"Being Santa is a full-time job for Jim Emory. There's one thing Jim loves more than being Santa, and that's his reindeer. Especially Casper. That was - until the day that Casper went… baaad." [cue footage of Jim in Santa suit being tossed around on the reindeer's antlers] "Jim fears he won't see another Christmas."

I couldn't make my mind up if the voice-over was meant to be funny or not: "Lydia moves to the back of the drugstore. She has no idea she's being stalked by a cat designed to keep out rats and mice. She's soon gonna find out. As this footage shows, this drugstore cat was a prescription… for disaster."

The show didn't quite do what it said on the label - these weren't pets but wild animals. "A laboratory monkey has escaped. It could be infected with a deadly strain of herpes. The animal is now sitting on a high voltage line. Not only could he be killed, but he could explode in a deadly shower of disease."

"This kangaroo has escaped from the local zoo. The kangaroo is looking for a mate, and it has its eye on the family dawg."

Another animal that was looking for a mate was a Spanish donkey. A tourist had wandered into its field for a crap and was caught with his pants down - literally. He was chased, tripping over his trousers, by the donkey. Bizarrely, the nether regions of both man and donkey had been blurred out to spare our blushes. Presumably, this was one donkey who had it real baaad. The man fell to the floor and the donkey tried to mount him. "Miraculously, the man survived." Even more miraculously, his mates continued filming the whole episode, while presumably pissing themselves laughing. When Good Friends Go Bad.