I read yesterday that Neil Hannon had sacked the rest of the Divine Comedy to go solo. After last night's quiz, I toddled, rather drunk, into a music industry showcase, where the band was auditioning for a replacement lead singer. Now, I can do a vaguely passable Neil Hannon impersonation, and I'm a similar build, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. To my amazement, they chose me.

We rehearsed a bit and did our first gig. The news that Neil had left the band affected our ticket sales really badly, and the venues had to be scaled down - we performed round the back of a row of terraced houses. The crowds were hostile - I bravely stepped up to the mike and cracked a joke: "Sorry Neil couldn't be here today. As you see, I've grown a beard, too." They booed and bottled me off stage.

The crowds chased me, all of us skating in our socks along tiled swirly pathways on the marble floor. This turned into a Busby Berkley production number, with me singing a new song: "Poor Janet, poor Jackie, poor Yoko, poor Jane; they can't afford the luxury of a middle name."