I was going to write a scathing review of Aiden Shaw's novel, Wasted. But I can't be bothered - Aiden's a nice guy, he's just not a writer. Instead, I'll just list some of the witty one-liners I would have included in my review:

His films contain more realistic dialogue.

The only thing that's Wasted is my time.

If Aiden Shaw is a novelist, then I'm a porn star.

Actually, I was a porn star! Well, "star" is not quite the right word, but I have appeared in a porn film. I think.

I was a young-looking 20, a skinny chicken with sprayed-on jeans, standing on the balcony of a Johannesburg club called Zanzibar, drinking a gin-and-tonic because it looked cool under the UV lights. As did the blonde highlights in my Durannie fringe. An American guy came up to me and said, "You're gorgeous. We're making a porn film in Hawaii next week. How would you like to be in it?" At first I laughed it off, but then he bought me a few more drinks and paid me a few more compliments and promised me lavish fees, and before I knew it, I'd agreed to go home with him, and once there I agreed to "perform" before the cameras the next morning.

Not in Hawaii, I have to point out, but in Johannesburg, at the very modern house of his friend Stan. Stan owned a car rental firm and was the promoter of a very successful gay club. So he had a bit of money. He had a stunning modernist house - all stark brickwork and sharp angles and sheer glass. And a black marble swimming pool running around three sides of the house.

It was around this pool that the action took place. Unfortunately, I can't remember much of what happened. I do know that I was very, very nervous. I think there were three of us involved: the American "producer", me and a young friend of Stan's. I can't remember if there was a plot or any dialogue, or if we just got down to it.

I also can't remember if I was paid for it, though I have a feeling I wasn't. Being a gullible young thing, I took them at their word when they said that this session was just the first of many, the rest still to come in Hawaii. I have no idea if our session ever appeared in a film, or - a far more likely scenario - was simply passed from chickenhawk to chickenhawk on the Johannesburg scene. I shouldn't imagine my performance was up to much.

If I'm a porn star, then Aiden Shaw's a novelist.