How to drink Swedish in 4 easy lessons

1. You can't buy booze in cornershops in Sweden - they have clinical state-run liquor stores with the bottles behind locked glass cabinets. You note the number of the item you wish to purchase and take this number to the counter. This explains why Swedes tend to run riot in our local shops with a huge array of alcoholic beverages, buying way more than necessary. The Swedish word for the day is småberusad. It means tipsy.

2. Alcohol is very expensive in Sweden. This explains why Swedes tend to have a few drinks at home before they go out. Vodka, generally. Or snaps, accompanied by delightful songs. The Swedish word for the day is full. It means drunk.

3. In theory, if you drink at home, you will drink less once you go out, saving you money. In practice, the opposite is true. Your resistance is lowered and you drink much, much more. The Swedish word for the day is väldigt full. It means very drunk.

4. Swedes only drink at the weekends, when they drink hard after a week of working hard. Indeed, they drink until they fall over. They find our pub culture a little odd. They don't understand how we can go out after work almost every day and have just one or two pints. Swedes in London have adopted the regularity, but not the moderation. The Swedish word for the day is aspackad. It means paralytic.

Apologies to Francis, who has probably done it better. And to Marcus - this piece isn't about him - honest. His flatmates, perhaps! For a very good article on drinking in Sweden, read this.