Friday, September 28, 2001

You know your problem, you keep it all in

Marcus now has a blog. It's coming along nicely, but he doesn't want me to tell anyone of its whereabouts just yet. Our styles are completely different. He's very open about his feelings. I'm not. Mine is very British, his more what I've come to think of as American. Which is odd, really, as he's Scandinavian - stereotypically even more emotionally retarded than us Brits.

I envy the American bloggers their ability to write about how they feel. Many of them seem to use Blogger as a therapist's couch - a piece of furniture most of them are familiar with in real life. Charlie, Michael and Jeff have a wonderful transparency - they tell you their fears, their hopes, their doubts. I wish I did more of that. I tend to keep my readers at a distance. Oh, I tell anecdotes about my past, and recently I've been going on [and on] about my boyfriend, but you don't really know how I am, do you? I've never once told you about my doubts and fears, my health, my ambitions, what keeps me awake at night.

The question is, do I want to?

One of the reasons I don't share the 'bad things' here is that I prefer not to think about them at all. I sweep things under the carpet, pretend they don't exist. Every time I start having fears, I go "oh no, we're not having any of that," and think trivial thoughts instead. I've always done that. In her last letter to me, my mother warned me about my tendency to bottle everything up - "one day you'll explode". [Ah, you see, I sort of let you in there!]

Being a Brit, of course, I don't have a therapist. I rarely even share my fears with my friends. This is something I need to change. You're warned!

But perhaps I can use this forum to air some of the things I keep hidden away. Don't worry - I'm not going to suddenly turn into an emotional geyser, gushing forth. But slowly, tentatively, I might emerge from my shell, see what it's like to let people in. My fear is that I will become the subject of bored emails: "God, have you seen what David SwishCottage is wittering on about today?"

We'll see...

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