"Removes 99 top stains", screams the box of lemon fresh Surf washing powder. On the back of the box, the manufacturers have handily listed all 99 stains, including: coffee, deodorant, pina colada, mucus, baby pee, bird poo, eye shadow and fag ash.

No good on cum stains, then? Lube? The unidentified black gunk from the floor at the RVT? No? I'll stick to Persil then.