So you want to know the current state of my bowels, huh? The good news is, the diarrhoea has stopped. The bad news is, my intestines are still gurgling and bubbling away. My belly's swollen and getting larger all the time. So I reckon my guts are labouring away industriously, like squirrels, storing the stuff in hidden nooks and crannies.

Anyway, I took my three samples in to the hospital today, wrapped neatly in a bright blue paper bag. I'd sellotaped the opening shut [ooh, now there's an idea I could use elsewhere] to prevent spillages. My usual doctor wasn't in, so I got to see a harried temp. He seemed really distracted, and didn't seem to know what to do with my samples. "Oh, I can't find the forms right now, just leave them there."

So I left this bright blue gaily wrapped parcel on his desk. I just know that at the end of the day, he will have spotted it and thought, "What's that? I must have popped out at lunch and bought my wife a present. Here, dear..."