Betty Bowers, a better Christian than you.

Dear Mrs. Bowers:
Sometimes when I am alone at night, I touch myself in an impure way. I seem to have no control. I want to stop because God and Jesus don't like it, but I can't! How can you help me?
Timmy, Age 14

Dear Sweet Sullied Child of Christ:
Remember next time you are about to cinch down your little BVDs to delight in the Satanic pleasures of the flesh, that while Mommy and Daddy may not hear your little adolescent moans, everyone in Heaven can. You see, every single person in Heaven can and does watch everything you do! Dead Grandpa! Dead Great-Grandma! And all your dead pets!

They all know if you succumb to the impurities of carnal delight - and whether you wash your hands after using the restroom. If for any reason the knowledge that you are being watched heightens your pleasure, then you are wholly given over to Satan and there is nothing I can do to help you at this point.

So Close To Jesus, He Validates My Parking, 
Betty Bowers