Mr Bush, you can call your war off now, because the Swish Cottage Weapons Inspectors can reveal exactly how many weapons of mass destruction there are: 943,000. All but 270,000 of these belong to Iraq.

There are 18,200 weapons of mass without any destructive capabilities.
Of these,

8,320 are weapons of mass distraction.

1,590 are weapons of mass disruption.

983 are weapons of mass obstruction.

887 are weapons of mass deception.

554 are weapons of mass construction, while 36 are weapons of mass deconstruction.

309 are weapons of mass seduction

236 are weapons of mass production.

203 are weapons of mass instruction.

126 are weapons of mass consumption.

35 are weapons of mass distortion.

32 are weapons of mass corruption.

28 are weapons of mass irritation.

24 are weapons of mass reduction.

There have not yet been any recorded sightings of weapons of mass abduction. And despite what cynics may say about the real reasons behind the war, we have found no weapons of mass oil production. But give it a day or two, and I'll guarantee there'll be at least one...