You know that the World Cup has gripped the nation's consciousness when even Ian gets up at eight to watch a game of football. He and I conducted an SMS conversation throughout the match, though it does reveal our lack of knowledge of football and our interest in the footballers.

Ian: God, I feel so butch!
David: Explain the offside rule to me again.

Ian: I'd do: Cafu.
David: Dyer isn't dire.

David: Why does Beckham wear a yellow armband on the left? Does that make him a piss top?

Ian: Give Rivaldo an Oscar.

David: They're coming home, they're coming home, they're coming. England's coming home.
Ian: They think it's all over.