Jonathan, Ian, Dave and me
Went out last night on a drinking spree
I was going to stay in, honest I was
But Jonathan said I had to go, cause:

"Meet my friend Richard, he was once a porn star"
It would be rude not to, as he'd travelled so far
[All the way over from San Francisco]
So we talked about trams and the last days of disco.

And there was Dave's friend whose name I've forgotten
But who, I think, I fancied quite rotten
We talked about goth and the Sisters of Mercy
And Gene Loves Jezebel and podgy Wayne Hussey.

Then Andrew appeared - he's Michael's old crony
And later I saw him leaving with Tony
Then somehow we ended up at Barcode
And I felt quite woozy from the beer I had swallowed.

Then I had to leave before anything improper.
And after going to Burger King and eating a Whopper,
I fell asleep on the train and went past my station
And I woke up this morning with a pounding sensation
And a realisation - a determination:
"I am staying in tonight, honest I am."