A night out with Ian is always good for memorable lines:

"Every time I hear his name, I feel a line go up, like he's going to come over and gently rest his breasts on my head, y'know?"
"Yes. Um... what?"

"No, we haven't done that in ages. He's had a bad tummy. But he is feeling better."
"So, a gala reopening soon?"

I made my wobbly way to Piccadilly Circus. "Five for 30 quid" screamed the signs at Virgin Megastore. "Out on the wily," wailed Kate Bush, so I snapped up Hounds Of Love and The Kick Inside, along with the first Lamb album and the Kruder and Dorfmeister sessions. "But that's only four," I pondered, "I need a fifth. There's nothing else I want. But you have to get five. It says so." I eventually settled, reluctantly, on Kraftwerk's Trans-Europe Express.

The annoying thing is that, apart from the K+D Sessions, I already own all these albums on vinyl or cassette. Why couldn't I be brave and splash out on something different? Some R+B? Some, eek, hip-hop? But, no, I plumped for my usual mix of downbeat electronica and 80s oddities. I got home and lit a whole flotilla of the tiny little candles I'd bought at Habitat earlier that week (two-fifty for a bag of fifty) and wailed along to Kate. The woman's a nutter:

**********
"Wake up!"
"A good morning, ma'am. Your early morning call."
"You must wake up!"
"[titter] Wake up! [titter]"
"Wake up, man!"
"Wake up, child! Pay attention!"
"Come on, wake up!"
"Wake up, love!"
"We should make the night, but see your little light's alive!"
"Stop that lyin' and a-sleepin' in bed - get up!"
"Ma needs a shower. Get out of bed!"
"Little light..."
"Can you not see that little light up there?"
"Where?"
"There!"
"Where?"
"Over here!"
"You still in bed?"
"Wake up, sleepy-head!"
"We are of the going water and the gone. We are of water in the holy land of water"
"Don't you know you've kept him waiting?"
"Look who's here to see you!"

"Listen to me, listen to me, baby. Listen, baby, help me, baby! Help me, help me! Listen to me, talk to me!"
"You won't burn."
"Red, red roses."
"You won't bleed."
"Pinks and posies."
"Confess to me, girl."
"Red, red roses,"
"Go down!"

"Spiritus sanctus in nomine..."

"Poor little thing,"
"Red, red roses,"
"The blackbird!"
"Pinks and posies."
"Wings in the water,"
"Red, red roses, Go down,"
"Go down."
"Pinks and posies."

"Deus et dei domino..."

"What is it, child?"
"Bless me, father, bless me, father, for I have sinned."
"Red, red roses!"
"Help me, listen to me!"
"Red, red rose!"
"I question your innocence!"
"Help this blackbird!"
"She's a witch!"
"There's a stone around my leg."
"Uh! Damn you, woman!"
"Help this blackbird!
There's a stone around my leg."
"What say you, good people?"
"Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!"
"Help this blackbird!"
"I am responsible for your actions."
"Oh-hoh-hoh!"
"Not guilty!"
"Help this blackbird!"
"Wake the witch!"
"Get out of the waves! Get out of the water!"
**********

Jesus Christ woman, let me sleep and dream of sheep.