The A to Z of the Vauxhall Tavern
B is for Beer
And lots of it. The general idea at the Vauxhall seems to be to chuck as much beer as possible down your neck before the show, during the show and immediately after the show. Thereafter, almost everyone switches to water. But I don't think it's conscientiousness...

Trying to carry three pints from one end of a pub to the other is difficult enough as it is. Now turn the lights way down. Now cram in as many people as health and safety regulations allow. And then lots more. Now play S Club 7, so that the throng all [Reach!] fling their arms in the air simultaneously... A couple of my friends (you know who you are) insist on drinking Guinness. I've had one too many white shirts ruined by having half a pint of the black stuff spilled down me. I now refuse to get people pints. It's cans of Red Stripe or nothing. The handy thing with cans is that if you're wearing combat trousers, you can carry an entire round of six drinks in one go - one can in each hand, one in each of the top pockets of your trousers, and one in each of those silly pockets halfway down your legs which seem to have no other purpose in the world.

I have a great deal of respect for the Vauxhall's glass collectors, who manage to negotiate the crowds while balancing implausibly tall columns of empty pint glasses on one shoulder. As the Dame Edna Experience says: "Spare a thought for our glass collectors, and when you've finished your pint, put the glass on the floor! £3.25 an hour? What more do they expect?"