Lying in the bath this morning, I decided to look at the line of dust-encrusted bottles by the side of the bath. They've been there ever since I moved in, more than a year ago, but I've never really bothered to examine them. There's a bottle of Savlon, with a "use by" date of June 1996. And a bottle of surgical spirit [why?] which seems to pre-date the "use by" concept. But it does contain the following puzzling instruction: "rub onto the hands and feet to harden the skin". Why on earth would anyone want hard, horny hands?

On the subject of toiletries, I'm a sensitive soul. Or at least my skin is. I can't use perfumed and coloured soaps or lotions. So why have Sainsbury's produced a shower gel "non-coloured for sensitive skins" which reeks violently of violets? There's always Simple shower gel, non-coloured and unscented. And seemingly non-water-soluble. Spill some in the bath and it floats around in stringy globs, just like... well, you know.

And Dove shower gel: "80 uses with puff". What the fuck does that mean? Firstly, how do they know I'm a puff? And what are the 80 uses? I can only think of about three, and one of those would probably burn like hell!