If you're a Kylie fan, you probably shouldn't read this. Specifically Marcus and his flatmate Johnny, who forced me to watch Kylie On A Night Like This - Live In Sydney last night, the bastards.

The set looked like something knocked together by the Changing Rooms team:
"Hi, I'm Smiley Carol Smillie, and we're here in the lovely city of Sydney. Pink team, you've got Linda Barker and five-hundred pounds."
"Right, guys, I see a nautical theme. Handy Andy can knock us up some portholes out of MDF."
"But, er, won't that look a bit dull?"
"No, because halfway through the concert, we'll cover it with this lovely yellow ruched satin curtain!"
"Ooh, lovely!"

The costumes were no less laughable. One couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor male dancers who were forced to wear six-foot wide feathered epaulettes over bare shoulders. Actually, being the camp Spanish queens they were, they loved it. Kylie's own costumes were varied, but all managed to show off her pert arse, which seemed to have its own camera tailing its every move.

It's no wonder she appeals to gay men - she's completely unsexy. Oh, she's gorgeous all right, in a non-threatening, pretty sort of way. She's squeaky clean - or is that just her voice? Kylie's main vocal talent is a supersonic squeal, which she lets out at the end of every second line: "Put your hand on your heart and tell me - ow! - that we're through, ooh, oh - ow!" The most exciting moment of the concert came when she led the crowd in a Mexican wave. The poor girl was overcome with excitement: "Oh my god, I can't believe it. Yeah! God! Yeah! Ow!"

In the time-honoured tradition, Kylie ended the gig by thanking her band. "Ladies," she shouted, "please thank my lovely backing singers!" I assumed the "ladies" was addressed to the crowd - gay men, young women and little girls only. There were seemingly no straight men in the crowd [or indeed on the stage]. Every time the camera was trained on two more queens whooping it up, the two gay men I was watching it with laughed; though whether it was a laugh of derision or recognition, I'm not sure.

I am told the actual event was thrilling, camp, kitsch and delightfully tacky. The video, however, captures none of this and merely looks cheap and nasty.

This customer review on Amazon says it best, although I assume he meant "superb":

Reviewer: A viewer from the Netherlands
Kylie looks suburb.