We have a 'coffee' vending machine in the kitchen at work. I say 'coffee' because, while I have no idea what the dark liquid it produces actually is, it certainly ain't coffee. After making your selection, it whirrs, clicks and hisses, then lets out an alarming grunt before dispensing varying quantities of the stuff into your mug. There are all sorts of options available:

• Coffee
  
• Espresso
  
• Decaffeinated coffee
  
• Cappuccino
  
• Creamichoc
  
• Chocolate
  
• Leaf tea
  
• Hot water
  
• Whitener
  
• Sugar
  
• Strength
  
• 
  

Those two blank ones at the bottom intrigue me. What are they for? Soup? Juice? Cocaine? Strychnine ? I have decided they must be for producing Irish coffees, and - after everyone's left for the day - I'm going to run up some labels on the colour printer for them:

• Whiskey
  
• Whipped cream

Let's see if anyone notices.