Ian, the point of a nickname is that somebody else gives it to you. No-one but you calls you 'iansie'. If you want to know what we really call you, you'll have to cross my palm with silver. Or my gullet with lager.

I have hundreds of nicknames. I wish my friends would all get together and decide on just the one, be it Simdy, Sylvie, Sinead, ET, Dubs, or - most bizarrely - "Tall Dave". Now, I am not tall at all. I don't know my exact height, but I'm probably 5'8" or 5'9" - a bit under average height. So I rather like the fact that I have twice recently - when in the company of Dave - been introduced as "Tall Dave".