There is a special kind of mind at work on QX Classifieds. I use the word "special" in the politically-correct sense. QX have a new system, where you need to work out your D.I.C.K. number. "What does D.I.C.K. stand for?" you ask. Why, "Dating Interactive Classification Key-number", of course.

Fill in the two columns below - the left-hand side is for your details, the right column describes the man you are looking for:

	My D.I.C.K.	His D.I.C.K.
Category choice
0 No preference
1 Relationship
2 Casual encounter
Age
Insert age
Role
0 Active
1 Passive
2 Versatile
3 Non-penetrative
Ethnic background
0 No preference
1 African-Caribbean
2 Oriental
3 Asian
4 European
Height
0 No preference
1 Tall
2 Short
3 Medium
Build
0 No preference
1 Slim
2 Athletic
3 Medium
4 Muscular
5 Stocky
6 Large
Eyes
0 No preference
1 Brown
2 Green
3 Grey/blue
Cock size
0 No preference
1 Huge
2 Average
3 Small
Cock type
0 No preference
1 Cut
2 Uncut
Specialist interest
0 None
1 Red
2 Yellow and brown
3 CP
4 SM
5 Skins
6 Lycra/Sports
7 Rubber
8 Group
9 Multiple interests
H.I.V. status
0 No preference
1 Positive
2 Negative
D.I.C.K. number
Name:

Once you've filled this in, you'll have two 12-digit numbers. When you place your ad, you give your D.I.C.K. number, and the number of the type of man you're looking for. When there are matches, QX will send a text message to your mobile.
Forget the hankie code, this is so specific it's bizarre! Still, if 236100001090 is reading this, let me know.