Next time you're at home off ill, play my new game: The Kilroy Drinking Game.

Now, most drinking games are played in groups. But no-one ever watches Kilroy with other people - its audience is housewives, lonely pensioners, bored students, the sick and those huddled under the duvet with crippling hangovers. And just as no-one actually enjoys watching Kilroy, so you're not meant to enjoy this game. It's sole purpose it to get you drunk. Which might have the side-effect of making Kilroy watchable.

Basically, you have to take a drink every time Kilroy or a member of the studio audience says one of the key phrases. Firstly, you have to choose your tipple. This is actually decided for you by the theme of the morning's show:
"I'm fat and fabulous": Guinness
"Not to old to have fun": Port and lemon
"I'm a thief": Break into your flatmate's booze cabinet
"I want to change my sex": Alternate between white wine spritzers and pints of real ale

The phrases and the amount you drink:
"At the end of the day": Take one small mouthful. This one is discretionary, as if you were to take a drink every time "at the end of the day" is said, you'd be paralytic by 9:30am. [and your point is...?]
"But I love him": one gulp
"But I love her": two gulps (because no-one ever says this]

In addition, take a drink whenever Kilroy says: "Hang on, I can't get you from there", "You can't use language like that on the BBC", "Don't grab the microphone", or when he mentions that he was once an MP.

Bonus points: Finish whatever's left in your glass whenever an aged audience member performs a dance at the front to show how limber she still is at 87, or if anyone comes out with a real swear word.

If it all goes quiet for a bit, but you just feel like a drink, repeat this phrase three times: "Kilroy Silk, silly cunt". If you stumble over it, have a drink.

The phone-in round: Halfway through the show, Kilroy announces the theme for the next show. This is your cue to finish the entire bottle of whatever you were drinking and switch to the beverage appropriate for the next show. You must also phone in to be a contestant on the next show, claiming to be fat and fabulous, 87 and still randy, a transsexual, or all of the above.

The game can be adapted to any daytime chat show, with the appropriate drinks: Vanessa Feltz - spiked SlimShakes; Jerry Springer - home-brewed rotgut moonshine; Richard and Judy - anything; but you have to shoplift it.