Are you a faggot fanatic? Then watch tonight's Trouble At The Top on BBC2.

It seems that faggots have been losing popularity lately, so a faggot marketing team is combing the country for a family of faggot lovers. The winning 'Faggot Family' win a week in a posh London hotel, a family holiday to Disneyland Florida, a TV and a video and will be expected to represent faggots for a year, taking part in media interviews and promotional events.

"We are looking for genuine faggot fanatics. People who will preach the gospel." Meanwhile, chairman Oliver Murphy is watching the bottom line.

They engage the services of a psychologist to help in their quest to find the right faggot fanciers. "You must start living the brand. I want people you speak to to feel that they have met a real faggot enthusiast." It isn't all hard work as the Faggot Family is chauffeured to its promotional duties in a limousine. Part two of Wilfred's marketing campaign is 'National Faggot' week.

TheDoodys [the winning family] begin to resent the amount of time they spend promoting faggots. Frederick and Janet Doody run a market stall selling CDs, DVDs and posters, and are losing business when they have to drop everything and take their kids Lewis and Grace to do some promotion work. "Some business has probably been lost," says Janet. "We don't want to close our little business on a Saturday to do faggots, because then faggots will begin to take over our life."

Surely the real problem facing the faggot marketing board is the name. 'Faggots' is such an offensive word. Surely we could find something more gentle? I suggest 'Omi Polones' - it even sounds like some sort of meat product. Here are a few more of my alternative suggestions: